When you approach a relationship with a "fix-it" list, you’re more likely to use negative communication strategies like criticism or subtle blaming. This creates a defensive environment where the other person feels less valued and more likely to withdraw. The study found that even if you have the best intentions, the more you try to change your partner, the less satisfied both of you will be, and the less likely real change is to actually happen.
If we shouldn't try to change our partners, should we just focus on changing ourselves? Interestingly, the research suggests that while self-regulation (working on your own reactions and habits) is healthy, it doesn’t always lead to a higher "rating" of the relationship on its own.
The real "magic" happens when you choose a partner who is already committed to their own growth. Individuals report the highest relationship quality not when they successfully change their partner, but when they perceive their partner is independently engaging in self-regulation. This means that instead of dating someone as a "project" and hoping they’ll change for you, the boldest—and most successful—move is to find someone who takes ownership of their own evolution. True alchemy occurs when two people focus on their own growth, creating a partnership where both feel respected for who they are, rather than pressured for who they might become.
Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/231537776_Improving_intimate_relationships_Targeting_the_partner_versus_changing_the_self
If we shouldn't try to change our partners, should we just focus on changing ourselves? Interestingly, the research suggests that while self-regulation (working on your own reactions and habits) is healthy, it doesn’t always lead to a higher "rating" of the relationship on its own.
The real "magic" happens when you choose a partner who is already committed to their own growth. Individuals report the highest relationship quality not when they successfully change their partner, but when they perceive their partner is independently engaging in self-regulation. This means that instead of dating someone as a "project" and hoping they’ll change for you, the boldest—and most successful—move is to find someone who takes ownership of their own evolution. True alchemy occurs when two people focus on their own growth, creating a partnership where both feel respected for who they are, rather than pressured for who they might become.
Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/231537776_Improving_intimate_relationships_Targeting_the_partner_versus_changing_the_self
