We recently listened to a thought-provoking podcast (in French) featuring Valérie Gauthier, the creator of the Savoir-Relier (the art of relating) method. While her work is often used in leadership, we found her insights on human connection incredibly relevant to the dating world. In a society where we are quick to label a difficult encounter as “toxic” or “narcissistic,” Valérie offers a vital reminder: these characteristics are often "relational." They exist specifically in relationship to someone else.
A dynamic that feels draining is often the result of a specific friction—a clashing of two personalities that triggers defensive behaviors rather than harmony.
She explains that we often use clinical labels as a "shortcut" to avoid the intentional effort that real connection requires. Our judgments can "poison or even kill" relationships because we are constantly interpreting what we see through our own filters and past experiences, moving from a simple fact to a heavy conclusion in seconds.
To counter this, she suggests a return to the sensory and the objective: instead of deciding who someone is, we should focus on what is actually happening in the moment.
Ultimately, "relating" or being in a relationship is a skill and a constant effort that can be learned. It requires moving away from clinical labels and toward a higher form of relational intelligence. While it takes more energy to look beyond a shortcut and engage in a real dialogue, that effort is exactly where true connection begins. It is about learning to navigate the space between two people, acknowledging the friction, and deciding—skillfully—how to move forward.
Link to the podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/24uaXunf489mkHEEcfO2oF
A dynamic that feels draining is often the result of a specific friction—a clashing of two personalities that triggers defensive behaviors rather than harmony.
She explains that we often use clinical labels as a "shortcut" to avoid the intentional effort that real connection requires. Our judgments can "poison or even kill" relationships because we are constantly interpreting what we see through our own filters and past experiences, moving from a simple fact to a heavy conclusion in seconds.
To counter this, she suggests a return to the sensory and the objective: instead of deciding who someone is, we should focus on what is actually happening in the moment.
Ultimately, "relating" or being in a relationship is a skill and a constant effort that can be learned. It requires moving away from clinical labels and toward a higher form of relational intelligence. While it takes more energy to look beyond a shortcut and engage in a real dialogue, that effort is exactly where true connection begins. It is about learning to navigate the space between two people, acknowledging the friction, and deciding—skillfully—how to move forward.
Link to the podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/24uaXunf489mkHEEcfO2oF
