As world-renowned therapist Esther Perel explains, attraction thrives on "otherness" and mystery. When you "manage" the date, you collapse that distance, effectively turning a potential romance into a business meeting. Perel reminds us that "fire needs air"; to be desired, you must allow for a certain space that you don't immediately try to fill or control.
At The Date Alchemy, we sometimes get a curious requirement: some men say they prefer someone not too career-oriented. While this may sound old-school, what they are likely trying to avoid is less the successful career itself, but rather the unrelenting "Executive Energy" that often accompanies it. According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, being in "Boss Mode" keeps your nervous system in a state of high-alert productivity, which physically tenses your facial muscles and flattens your voice. These are subconscious signals that tell a date you are in "defense" rather than "connection" mode. This applies to everyone: a man who can’t stop "fixing" is just as romantically guarded as a woman who can’t stop "managing."
To bridge this gap, Dr. Porges suggests the fastest way to trigger your Social Engagement System is through the breath—specifically, an extended exhale. This physically signals your heart to slow down and your face to relax, making you appear more "open." By mastering the "lean back" and showing you can switch off the "Commander" for the "Companion," you prove that your success hasn't cost you your ability to be receptive. You don't need to be unsuccessful in your career to find love; you simply need to create the psychological space for the connection to unfold naturally between you.
Sources:
- https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-an-easy-way-to-hack-your-vagus-nerve
At The Date Alchemy, we sometimes get a curious requirement: some men say they prefer someone not too career-oriented. While this may sound old-school, what they are likely trying to avoid is less the successful career itself, but rather the unrelenting "Executive Energy" that often accompanies it. According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, being in "Boss Mode" keeps your nervous system in a state of high-alert productivity, which physically tenses your facial muscles and flattens your voice. These are subconscious signals that tell a date you are in "defense" rather than "connection" mode. This applies to everyone: a man who can’t stop "fixing" is just as romantically guarded as a woman who can’t stop "managing."
To bridge this gap, Dr. Porges suggests the fastest way to trigger your Social Engagement System is through the breath—specifically, an extended exhale. This physically signals your heart to slow down and your face to relax, making you appear more "open." By mastering the "lean back" and showing you can switch off the "Commander" for the "Companion," you prove that your success hasn't cost you your ability to be receptive. You don't need to be unsuccessful in your career to find love; you simply need to create the psychological space for the connection to unfold naturally between you.
Sources:
- https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201905/longer-exhalations-are-an-easy-way-to-hack-your-vagus-nerve
